I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
