totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
