Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
