That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
