I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
