I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it glows. i had to have it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
