if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
