I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
