My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
