dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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