My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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