he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
