Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
