Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
