Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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