I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
