I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
