is wine microwaveable?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
