I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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