I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my sisters under your porch take her home
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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