Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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