I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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