I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
