dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
