Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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