You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
