She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think i got beer on your cat.
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