I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
