this beer tastes like vomit already
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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