Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
