i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
