She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
