That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Oh god it's open bar.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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