I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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