I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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