Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
