The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
