He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
