At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just had sex on a roof
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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