he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
