My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you had me at cake vodka
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
