Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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