My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
