im six kinds of drunk right now
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
