I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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