I threw up into my coffee this morning.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
