Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
