I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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