im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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