I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
